At Full Moon on Saturday I drew Spear King when I asked what card I should be studying next. Last night, very late, I felt ready to do the meditation for Lesson 25. This is what I wrote:
What if one has a talent, say for writing, all be it amateur, first steps; and one doesn't bother to write. It would be a sin wouldn't it? Each of us have our Gods' given gifts; individual talents that we must make use of in order to honour the sacred. Once I stop to judge my writing I feel that I am not writing anything worthwhile and I want to stop. I feel the internal critic at work. But then I hear the voice of Louis Armstrong reminding me "You have all the time in the world.".
So, now I am refocusing on the Spear King. I arrive at his forge. I think I have been in a smithy before but the memory is vague. I can remeber an outdoor demonstration at Newbury Show, but somewhere there is an older, deeper memory. A dark, dank building - hard to adjust my eyes to the contrast between the darkness of the room and the brightness of the light from the sparks of the forge. He is there - a huge, musculed man with black, sooted arms. The biceps are pronounced on his forearms as he strikes metal to metal. Absorbed in his work; necessarily focused because it is hard and dangerous. He tells me it is man's work in a forge but I may help him as apprentice housemaid. He knows I can cook but ignores that I am hopeless at cleaning. He says anyone can do it if they practice humility. All work is an act of service if performed mindfully, he says. And I am unable to ignore the large pentagram chalked on the smithy's straw-strewn floor. "For protection" he explains. He knows what I have been dabbling in, untrained. He knows that I bring a pure heart as far as working with the Craft. He knows I am also apprentice to Merlin. He tells me that I have his approval for the completely intuitive way I work; provided I take simple precautions such as drawing a pentagram around me before I take on any magickal work. "It is simple common-sense that you follow this well-tried tradition. Witches don't do this for no reason - for show. It is improtant to maintain your place in the light and to keep away from you those who may wish to draw you into the shadows."
I busy myself sweeping up the straw, feeding his animals and making him tea. He seems satisfied as I have been working cheerfully. "Nothing a man hates more than a miseable woman about the place. All you need to do is focus on the moment to be able to love whatever you must do."
As I finish my chores and put away the tools, I hum cheerfully knowing that I have the male support I need. Like a father figure in the best of ways - one who gives strong guidance and support - one who will scold and praise as needed - one who will always tell me what I need, to get off my ass and achieve something worthwhile.
I see that the Spear King has fashioned me a metal pentagram. It is sold and heavy, yet small enought to hold in my left hand. It stands balanced and upright on my palm. It is his gift to me. In return, I offer him the painted glasses I made yesterday, for use as votive lights. He seems to appreciate them.
In my right hand I have a paper to throw into the last embers of the days' fire. On it is written "Please help enlighten my way and guide me with ever stronger focus to change myself. Only through mindful self control (control of self - willed, brain change) can I ever find my true goals and work to implement them." I throw the paper on the embers and watch it curl and burn. The acrid smell of burning paper fills my nostrils. I know I can ask Spear King for help anytime I lose my focus. As I thank him, and move away from the forge, I touch my pocket and remember the little bottle of Centuary Bach Flower Remedy that I have with me. I must take this until the clarity of focus is felt within, I know. I leave the smithy and walk down the hill on the sandy path that leads to the river. The sound of blackbirds calling reminds me of my Fool's journey and of the progress I have made. I feel the presence of my guides from Mabon's Gateway; Spear Knight, Sword Maiden, Grail Queen and King. I know my teachers are there too - Green Knight and Merlin. I recall the lessons of Stone Two, Grail Four and Grail Six, although I have to look up Stone Four, Grail Two and Sword Hallow, so I must have failed to learn the message of their teachings and more work is needed here.
At the river's edge I pick up a large, flat piece of wood that I am confident will float. I set the pentagram on it and put the raft in the flowing current. As I let the current bear my offering into the future, I am confident that the protection of the pentagram will always be with me when I work. I watch the raft until it is gone from sight. Then I walk for miles along the river bank; enjoying the beauty of nature. As I walk, I muse my current situation and the emotional effect it is having on me. I have always found it diffult to "let go" and "move on" as an adult with free will; and I believe this to be due to the number of moves and changes that were forced on me as a child. I forgive myself for my weakness, knowing that a period of grieving is inevitable when one moves from one situation into another; with the loss of something long treasured as the "pay-off" for all the gains from a new situation and challenge.
Whilst I have been pre-occupied with my own thoughts about my own affairs, I have not noticed how far I have progressed. Already I find I have reached the coast. It feels so good to be back to the ocean. How I have missed it. I see that by clinging on to the quinta and all the things I love about that place, I have been denying myself the chance to get back to the seaside. I see that whilst I can't have everything at once - I CAN have everything I want and need - but sequentially. When I let go of one thing, I make room for something else I need. My needs have changed. It is not that I was wrong in my past decisions, but now I must ready myself for new experiences - I must not feel ashamed of letting go of what I no longer need. Sim and I have fulfilled our part here in service of the Goddess of the Land. Now she needs someone else's new energy on this place and has need of us elsewhere. The grieving process must and has been acknowledged. It's the pay-off for putting my head on the Green Knight's block and walking away with it still attached to my body! I took on pets, even though I knew how experiences are impermenant, and how I must walk away from my dear dog and cats. Yet I may trust that their welfare needs will be met - they will have their place in all this too. I can and must do my best for them as I have done so far. I can best take care that their needs are met by taking them into consideration when the quinta is sold.
As I stand on the cliffs, looking out to sea, on the horizon I can already see the pale light of a new dawn approaching. Whilst the new day brings the unknown and triggers my fears, I know that I have great strength and have walked this same path in lives past and future. I see how I am outside time at this point and have the clarity from the Spear Hallow's flaming torchlight to light my way. I need never walk in darkness because I know I have all the support I need to make the changes I must do. Hiding in fear is no longer possible. Fear will find me wherever I try to hide from it. So I must again face my challenges. Whatever goes into the Spear King's forge will be melted, remolded, trasformed and transmuted. The fire is lit and the brew of the Cauldron is heated. Transmutatation and alchemy are already taking place - it cannot be avoided.
Thanks be heard in the heavens for all the blessed guiding strength I have been given.
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